When I was little, and I mean, really little, I was fearless. Before I can even remember, my siblings told me of a church event where they told me to walk to the front of the stage and sing my very loudest.
Well, I did just that.
I’m not sure if they meant it as a joke or just to say I should try my best, but my tiny child self believed that’s what I had to do. I had no fear of the crowd, no fear that my voice would falter or be off key, no fear that I would be doing the wrong thing, no fear I wouldn’t fit in, etc. Years later, I don’t think I would be able to do the same thing. All my fears would get in my way and stop me.
When I was in first grade, there was a talent competition. I still loved to sing and dance and so I decided to do just that. Now, in first grade, I had a bully (I say bully, but I mainly just ignored him and thought he was dumb). My bully was in fifth grade and he was also in the competition. I wasn’t afraid I would do badly and he would make fun of me. I wasn’t afraid I would mess up. I wanted to get back at him by proving that I was talented (which I did as I won first place in the competition. Thank you, thank you very much. Yes I won a barbie and I loved it.)
I don’t think it took too many years of growing up before I lost my fearlessness. I think I can trace it back to elementary school, though it was still a dull fear. It only showed its true destructive capabilities once I was in high school.
That’s when I developed anxiety and severe fear of failure.
Today I cope much better, but I still struggle with it, especially in my career. Many writers also feel this fear and experience “Imposter syndrome.” I am one of those writers.
However, today, as my anxiety runs high, I think back through the moments of “failing” I’ve had. Either they weren’t failures or it was because I was so crippled that I would fail that I didn’t even try. If you try, you have a chance to succeed. If you don’t try, you will only fail.
The fear of failing made me fail.
Realizing this was weirdly freeing. In a way, it said, “Nothing is stopping you from succeeding!” The only thing getting in my way of succeeding was my fear of failure.
“The fear of failing made me fail.”
Now, I’ve heard this lots of times before so what made it stand out this time? I’m not sure. Realizing my fear of failing was making me fail put it into a different perspective than I’d ever heard. If I’m afraid to fail and not trying is a sure way to fail, why the hell wouldn’t I take the path that has the chance for success? It would be stupid to do it any other way.
It would be like saying “I’m afraid of spiders” while standing in a ball pit in which the balls are just millions of spiders. Climbing out of the pit is what makes the spiders go away, not the other way around. It seems simple when you think of it that way, but it’s something I and many others have struggled with.
I’ve decided it’s time to climb out of the spider-ball pit and tackle my dream head on, not despite my fear, but because of it. This is not something I want to do or should do; it’s what I must do. In November, I’m going to be a mom. How can I encourage my child to chase their dreams if I was too paralyzed by fear to chase my own? So here I am, swallowing my fear, picking up the pencil, and doing what I always said I would.
Remember it’s always okay to fail. No matter what age you are. No matter what kind of human you are. You own up to it, embrace it, learn from it, and go on. But what’s the point in not wanting to fail and yet always choosing failure?
I’ll still be afraid to fail, but I can choose the only path which has success.