Opinion with Context Matters

Author Note: I wrote this piece back in August of 2019, but never posted it. I am sharing it now because the concept is exactly what we need in our world. If you are a writer, please pay special attention. If you are writing a character whose background is completely different than yours, make sure you are finding the voices with context.

Opinion in context matters. Not sure what I mean? Let me explain by giving you a look into what happened in August 2019.

I was on Facebook and in one of my writing groups, someone (a man) had posted a writing idea and a couple of drawings. He was looking for feedback and critiques. As I looked over the content, I was distracted by the drawings. In one, the “strong” woman warrior was drawn with impossibly large breasts in a “bra-shirt” that didn’t physically make sense. Her waist was tiny and she had no abs. Her pants were very form-fitting and you could see the straps of her underwear up over her pants on her hips. In the other, it showed her from behind straddling a flying creature with basically every part of her butt showing. It looked like he had drawn a naked butt and colored it in pants. 

I scrolled through the comments and many of them were women suggesting improvements on the drawings. In fact, it seemed every woman was so distracted by the drawing that they didn’t pay attention to the actual story idea, which was fairly interesting. I was struck by a whim and also decided to comment about the anatomical impossibility of these physics-defying boobs and shirt. I think I mentioned how I didn’t want his story to get drowned out because of his drawings. I know I mentioned it several times later.

Aaaaand I got into a Facebook argument. About sexualization. With men. Their arguments were as old as time itself. “But men get sexualized too!” Men don’t get sexualized. They get exaggerated into what men think they want to be. It’s a power fantasy. The ultra ripped men of comic books are not for women to look at; they are still for men. That doesn’t make it right, but it’s not the same as being sexualized. However, you will find that women fight much harder against men portrayed that way than men do. “But fantasy is allowed to be whatever the writer makes it! Because it’s not real!” Then be original and make a world where women don’t get sexualized, harassed, or assaulted. (One man literally tried to tell me it would be okay to have blackface on a hero in a fantasy story because it was fantasy… he also tried to use the “but I can’t be racist; I have a black brother” card) Look if your world is a place where 50% of the population feel degraded and devalued, is it really a world worth creating?

I should have known better, truly, I do. But occasionally I get caught up fighting for what I believe in stupid ways like over Facebook because maybe just maybe there’s a chance to change someone’s mind (I know, crazy right? But I’ve gotten into conversations and debates and had mine changed- even on Facebook). 

You can imagine what actually happened. A bunch of men (and only one woman) got up in front of a bunch of women and told them to shut up. They should just stay quiet. They used our discomfort at being sexualized and turned it into some radical, crazed grab for attention (as all “bad” feminists do). 

When the author finally raised his head, in this post, and a similar one in a different group, I took up the challenge to talk with him. Maybe I could get him to understand. It seemed it wasn’t his intention to dehumanize us so perhaps there was a willingness to grow. Then, he started talking about his wife (“the character is based on my wife so I can’t be misogynistic!”). He talked about how I was judging him off one drawing. He claimed that he drew male and female “equally to express their sexuality” (whatever that means: news flash to artists- having a good looking body is NOT a sexuality. You could have the best body in the world and still be asexual. Body type and clothing do not determine “sexuality”). And I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I explained to him that he should listen to the women around him. It was clear that the vast majority felt uncomfortable. And truly, how much change would that really require?

But then I looked at his page with his art and I decided I take it all back. This was not a man who cared about women. This was a man who liked looking at women’s bodies and creating them in his perfect image of what a woman’s body should look like. He was never going to listen. 

More recently, I’ve been commenting on other posts by many of my white Facebook friends who claim that racism doesn’t exist, or that “all lives matter.” I’ve been trying to avoid the argument and asking questions. For example, “have you talked to the black people in your life about this personally?” (Side note: I don’t understand all lives matter because people use it as a way to try to make people quiet about a murder. If “all lives matter,” then why are you telling us to be quiet and not just as pissed off as we are?)

So why am I telling you this diatribe about my falling into the “yelling on social media” hole?

Because opinion with context matters. Opinion with context matters far more than opinion without. 

A man saying that “men are sexualized in the media more than women” has never seen himself sexualized. He doesn’t know what it’s like, what it feels like. He doesn’t know what it’s like to grow up in a world where men as a whole have specific actions they are supposed to do to their body, which may actually damage their health, which are seen as “basic hygiene” because it makes them look “more appealing.” He doesn’t know what it looks like to have so many images pressing on you that men’s value is based on their looks and only their looks. 

A white person posting videos and memes which “prove” racism is a myth (insert eye roll here) has never warned their child or given them a strict set of rules so they don’t get shot while playing outside. They have never been pulled over by the police and wondered if they too will be harassed, treated unfairly, or shot because of the color of their skin. They’ve never had to listen to snide subtle comments which they know full well are put-downs because their skin is white. I’m a white person and I have never experienced any of these.

Opinion with context matters. 

Why should I pay heed to a man’s opinion about periods when he’s never had one and will never have one?

Why should I listen to Ben Shapiro talk about systemic racism when he’s never experienced it and never will?

Should I also listen to a math teacher’s opinion on neurosurgery? Or a football athlete’s opinion on how to treat a urinary tract infection? Are these the first people I turn to to learn about an expert’s opinion? 

If almost all the scientists in the world say that climate change is an issue and we are screwing up the planet, their opinion as scientists should hold more weight than a politician whose last science course was 20 years ago in college. 

If a person of color posts about their experience with the police and being racially discriminated against, shouldn’t we hold more value in that opinion than the white people who comment, “never happens to me so it doesn’t happen?” 

If a person who is homosexual says, “hey those words and actions you’re using are hurtful and hateful to me,” is it a straight person’s place to say “Nah I think my words are just fine?”

If you don’t have experience in something, if you don’t have education in something, if you haven’t lived that life since being a child, then your opinion about that topic should not be more important or hold more weight than someone who has. Contrary to popular belief, your opinion does not always matter, especially when it’s a subject you know nothing about! That’s why we say things like, “no uterus, no opinion.”

You know what you can do, instead of trying to drown out the voices that actually matter, listen. Listen to the voices being silenced! Then amplify their voice instead of worrying so much about whether you got heard. 

Listen, you wouldn’t go to an English teacher to learn math and you wouldn’t go to a math teacher to learn English. They each might be able to help you, a little, but they might also get things drastically wrong because it’s not their subject of expertise.

When we talk about racism, listen to people of color. 

So when we are talking about misogyny, listen to women. 

When we talk about homophobia, listen to people who are homosexual.

When we talk about ableism, listen to people who are disabled.

When we talk about poverty, listen to people who are poor.

When we talk about homelessness, listen to people who are homeless. 

When we talk about addiction, listen to people who are addicts. 

When we talk about “sex work,” listen to people who are in or have been in the “industry.”

When we talk about any form of oppression, listen to those being oppressed, not the oppressors. 

When we talk about any subject at all, listen to the people who actually know the subject, who live the subject everyday. 

It’s okay to not be an expert. It’s okay to not be right. In fact, humbling yourself to listen to others is exactly the kind of people we need in this world right now. It has plenty of shouters and screamers. It has plenty of people’s opinions. So next time, when you don’t really know about a topic, open your ears and listen.

You might actually hear something.