Trigger Warning: I do mention emotional abuse briefly.
Alright buckle up everyone, it’s time to get personal.
Over the last couple of years, I have really learned this saying, “it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility.” It applies to a lot of things in life, such as mental health, mistakes, friendships, family, etc. What it means is that things can happen which aren’t your fault, such as your feelings or things out of your control, but how you react to that is your responsibility.
I’ve had friends who blamed themselves for their mental illness. Hell, I’ve blamed myself for my mental illness. They think it’s their fault they are sad and anxious. Something is wrong with them and if they would only stop being wusses then they could fix it. This is a horrendously false and damaging idea. It takes years to unlearn this kind of philosophy.
Unfortunately, I’ve also had friends who blame their actions on their mental illness. How can I expect them to control themselves or clean up after the messes they create? They have a mental illness. But this idea is just as damaging, especially to others. If you allow your own issues to damage your relationships, how can you allow those relationships to help you heal?
Yet I’ve been so caught up in how often I was guilty of the first friend that I didn’t notice I was also guilty of doing the second thing. When I almost let it cause destruction in a close relationship I had this week, I realized I had to rethink some things.
So here’s what I learned: It’s not your fault that you got hurt, but it is your responsibility to be open and honest with the person who hurt you.
There are a lot of reasons I could break down of why I struggle to be vulnerable with someone after they’ve hurt me, but it comes down to the fact it is a learned behavior for me. It is an instinct. I immediately want to clam up, shut them out, protect myself. “How could they do this to me? Why would they hurt me like this? They must not really love/care about me,” says my chemically deficient and traumatized brain. “They don’t really care so they won’t care how I feel and they won’t want to fix it. They’ll just keep hurting me and hurting me unless I shut them out first.”
But let me be real candid. Part of the reason that is my messed up logic is because I had people in my life, specifically one very big person in my life, who did continue to hurt me. I would ask them not to do something or say things specific ways and they would laugh or just keep doing it. I would point out that something they did was hurtful or harmful for me and they would turn it back on how I had really harmed them.
If you are dealing with a person like that, get out. That is emotional abuse. Just because they love you doesn’t mean that their love is healthy or displayed in a healthy way. They probably have their own issues to work through and that is their responsibility. Not yours. Don’t be a battering ram for someone to work through their own mental illness.
But because this thought process became so learned that it was instinctual, I never noticed how often it affected my relationships. It was easy for me to trust until that person hurt me then like a switch it felt as if I could never trust them with anything again. I wanted a person who would never hurt me, never let me down, and when they did, psychically know and fix it immediately. What I wanted is impossible.
Here’s what I’m learning: A lot of the friendships I lost might have looked a lot different had I opened up instead of getting angry and letting my hurt fester inside of me.
Do I still think I’d be good to best friends with all those people? No. Probably not. Each for different reasons. Do I think we might still catch up more often and actually talk? Maybe. If I weren’t always so caught up in playing the victim in some of these relationships, I could have been upfront with my hurt and dealt with it. That doesn’t mean all those friends would have apologized, but maybe if it did have to end, it could have ended on better terms with better closure.
So if you are sitting there, reading this, thinking “well, crap. Maybe I should stop letting my wounds control me and create a cycle of doom for future relationships who can never hope to match the expectations I crave.” then you should do something about it.
Here’s my takeaway (again MINE, yours may be different!): My relationships with others made me the person I am today. I can cherish the fun moments while also learn from the bad. I can grow and create even stronger relationships which will help me become the best me I can be.
But if I need help healing, no matter how long ago the hurt, I should take the risk and time to explore the best way for me to heal, really heal. Even if that means reaching out to the person that hurt me.
So if you are one of those old friends who hurt me, well that is on you. But I am deeply sorry I didn’t tell you about it until months or years later if I told you at all. I am sorry that I just dropped away instead of being honest and open. Our friendship didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry I spent a long time blaming you for something that was both of our faults.
I hope you are well and thriving. I hope your new friendships are letting you live your best life. And most of all, I hope you still cherish the good memories of us. I know I will.
